I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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