There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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