i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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