I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I faked an abortion last night.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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