my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
