he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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