Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I had to cum in my sink.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
