whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
