I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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