i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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