I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
