I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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