I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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