i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
