The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize