like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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