You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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