so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
