i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
