I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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