That's intense
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
