im about as happy as oj after his trial
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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