wrigley field is MILF paradise
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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