Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Welp...herpes.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
