You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
