Tell her she can't have a vagina
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
