Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
