I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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