made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you win again, gameday.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
His nipple licking is glorious
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