i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
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And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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