best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
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You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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