he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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