Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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