eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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