kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
