Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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