Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
