i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
We need to get me chipped asap
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
