i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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