Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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