so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
