I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
