I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
