i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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