Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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