My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
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when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
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as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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