i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
