Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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