I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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