maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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