aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
