I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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