The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
