I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
