the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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