Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
